A Conversation on Shyness

Shyness comes with a lot of misconceptions and is often treated as something that needs to be fixed. Yet, it carries far more value than people realize. To explore this, I sat down with my dear friend Mirella, who lives in Finland. Ironically, shyness is what brought us together in the first place and kept us close over the years. Through this interview, I wanted to dive into what living with shyness every day truly feels like from the inside out.
Our conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Hi Mirella, thank you so much for coming today to share your personal experience! To kick things off, I’d like to ask you:

How would you define shyness in your own words? And when did you first realize that you were a shy person?

I feel like it has been a part of me, like always a part of me. How would I define shyness? I have difficulties to participate in conversations and in social situations with a lot of people, especially ones that I don’t know, and I don’t want to be in the center of attention.

What does a typical social situation feel like for you when you are around people, especially ones you don’t know very well?

It also depends if the others are very talkative. If I’m around people that are very loud, it’s hard for me to say something in between the conversation. So in those situations I can feel left out, a bit anxious. If I don’t feel like I’m included, it makes me want to roll back even more.

Would you say that when you are in a social event your mind goes kind of blank, and you just don’t know what to say?

Yes, definitely. And then it’s just kind of like a panicking situation that I try to just think of something to say, and it definitely doesn’t help with the anxiety.

What do you say is the most difficult part about being shy?

I do think that overall the world, like school and work, has been designed in a way that is made more toward extroverted people. The hard part is that you feel like the way you are, your character, directly influences your performance at school or work just because you are a bit quieter, and it is very frustrating because it’s hard to change and it doesn’t really have anything to do with skills.

Could you maybe give an example of what you mean at work or at school?

Well, I just overall think that there are a lot of presentations and group assignments, group work at school and also at work, and those are usually very fast-paced, so you don’t really have time to get comfortable with the people you are working with, you just have to get right into those. 

Do you think that being shy has brought you some specific advantages in your life compared to more extroverted people?

Being shy and a little quiet makes it easier for people to feel like they can talk to me or come up to me, so I feel like that’s an advantage. And also, I can observe other people’s behavior in conversations or in social situations overall, and kind of learn about how other people behave. I feel like that’s also a positive aspect.

Is there any advice that you would give to younger people who are struggling to accept their introverted or shy traits?

It’s definitely not a bad thing to be shy and take a little bit more time to get comfortable with people. There’s really nothing wrong with it, because there are people who are willing to spend that time and put in that effort to get to know you and make you comfortable. And we can’t all be extroverted, we can’t all be loud and talkative; some people have to kind of balance it out.

Has there been a moment in your life in which you pushed to go out of your comfort zone and it led to a surprisingly positive outcome?

The language course in Munich was definitely a big leap out of my comfort zone, and it was definitely worth it and kind of proved to me that I can find connections and talk to people in English in a foreign country.

Could you briefly explain what kind of experience you had?

The EF language course was two weeks in Munich, Germany. There were a lot of activities and also school with people from all around the world, and I was really social for those two weeks. Encounters with new people really impacted my self-esteem in a positive way.

Had there been a time where you didn’t feel positively about your shyness? Has your perspective on your own shyness changed as you have grown older?

I have definitely felt more negative about my shyness when I was younger, but it has definitely changed into a more positive direction because I feel like I have a better understanding now.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!

Of course you’re welcome, I’m glad I could be of help.