Do Americans Understand Friendship?

American friendships are superficial. Period. It has taken nearly a decade for me to come to this realization.  I have spent more time in my twenties as an ex-pat than I have as an American living in the United States.  

The problem doesn’t just lie within social relationships but also within lifestyles. Americans are consumers.  They thrive in a culture of consumerism and quick fixes. If it’s broken, just throw it out. In the United States, it is what is seen on the outside that counts.  The newest trends, rather it is overpriced leggings or a cheap designer rucksack, take priority over sustainable lifestyles.  

In my opinion, I feel as though an American’s view of friendship is nearly the opposite of a German’s.  When you first meet an American they are very friendly and will tell you their whole life story. Everything from the names of their pets to how they lost their virginity.  The opposite is true with every relationship that I have formed with a German. At first, the relationship is very formal and then overtime a strong bond forms lasting for many years.  When I was first told this by a German colleague in Berlin I wasn’t sure how serious she was. I remember thinking to myself, “we will see in time how true this statement was.” Ten years later and we keep in regular contact.  

  I was curious about the notion rather a German who spent some time living in the United States shared my observations.  

“Everything is just so fake.  You go into a store, and they immediately point out five things they like about you.  I found that when I tried making friends they would do the same thing without ever trying to get to know who I am.  This attitude was everywhere I went even when buying groceries. They would ask questions like “Are you having a fancy dinner,” or say things like ‘that cheese is amazing.’ It was like they were trying to fill a silence with chatter.  I felt that I couldn’t be as honest with people. You have to tiptoe around your relationships. Everyone gets so offended easily. In Germany, we are honest with each other. When I ask or answer a question I expect honesty.” 

Germans are direct and when there is a problem within a friendship or social relationship it is directly addressed allowing for a gradual development of a deeper relationship.  Americans on the other hand like to dance around their problems while never directly addressing any issues within peer groups. Psychologist Jefferson M Fish Ph.D. wrote an article for Psychology Today, theorizing why many Germans who moved to the United States felt the same way.  He theorized that the major reasons for such a phenomenon stemmed from American Individualism stating, “American individualism means that we give more emphasis to our own needs in forming and dissolving relationships than do cultures organized around traditional forms and relationships. This means that people who don’t know one another can form groups to satisfy common needs.”  

Dr. Fish also theorized that because Germany was an old nation that many relationships in Germany extended back for many generations.  Families often times stayed in one are or near families allowing for stronger connections to communities. I have noticed that there is more community involvement in Germany that there is in the United States.  Dr. Fish also stated that because the United States is such a young country that experienced waves of immigrants who broke ties with family and friends to make a “new life” for themselves. One can come to the realization that perhaps these attitudes were carried into the younger generations who witness their families cutting ties with the old world.  As an American, you often hear someone explain how they are part of this or part that sometimes even reaching out to distant relatives in places like Italy or even Germany.  

I feel as though the most significant explanation has to do with the United States being an aggressively capitalistic nation. Material possessions are held over personal connections.  Dr. Fish explains this theory with a generational gaze that plays on the notion of American individualism stating, “For generations, America has been the world center of capitalism, and capitalism prizes a mobile labor force. Thus, it is not surprising that many Americans have developed the ability to form and dissolve relationships, as they are periodically uprooted to earn a living or advance a career in another city, state, or region.”

Will relationships definitions ever change for Americans?  I think until there is a collective realization of how harmful these attitudes are the answer will forever be a no.