The Dangers of Domestic Abuse

On December 27^th of 2019, Angadbir Sandhu didn’t really feel any pain, but the adrenaline had kicked in as he began to notice the blood dripping down his forehead. His mother and sister were startled by his appearance, more so, his open head wound. Said wound was caused by his older brother’s rage and a small, steel, tea kettle. He told his sister to call the police, as his brother started to apologise. He says that he is only upset with his parents, not his siblings, and all his family had to so was not to challenge him. As sister berates him and tells him that he is out of chances, his anger flares once more and he attempts to attack her, forcing Angadbir to intervene again, driving his knee into his brother’s chest, and forcing him to the ground.

These events are just one of many examples chronicling the life of domestic violence. Though typically considered as an issue of only intimate relationships, Domestic Violence is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “violent or abusive behaviour directed by one family or household member against another.” Domestic violence is a nationwide issue that plagues many families in America. Often escalating from threats and verbal assault to physical violence and abuse, the aggressor in the situation negatively impacts the physical and psychological health and wellness of all other members of the household.

According the American National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, daily, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide. 1 in 15 children are exposed to domestic violence each year and 74% of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.

Initial solutions for this issue were to create new laws and increase awareness. In 1994, 2000, and 2005, three Violence Against Women Acts were signed into law to end a number of issues facing women, including domestic violence. These Acts resulted o 49.8% reduction of non-fatal, violent victimisations and a 51% increase in reporting domestic violence. The Violence Against Women Acts are joined by the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act, as well as, hundreds of Help Hotlines, programs and services. However, we see that it is hard to seek help, especially in instances similar to Angadbir.

Angadbir Sandhu (Angad) is an average American. He attended Anderson High in Southgate, a downriver town in Michigan. Afterwards, he graduated from Wayne State University with a Bachelors in Chemical Engineering. Now, he works regular jobs and internships in his field with no indications of the issues that he faces with his family.

“My brother hit me and left scratches, bruises, and bloody noses for my entire childhood, and my parents, due to Indian attitudes about mental health, refused to confront the issue, instead chalking it up to children misbehaving,” Angad says when asked to identify what exact point in his life his brother started to become abusive. Whenever a young Angadbir would bring up the issue of his brother’s mental health, his parents would tell him to avoid his brother or try to manipulate him into avoiding the subject. Angad’s parents told him to blame a pet that didn’t exist for any scars that were visible when he went to school. Making excuses for his brother’s behaviour out of love for their son, his parents display one of the many coping mechanisms that those faced with domestic abuse have.

When Angad grew big enough to fend for himself, he was able to limit the amount of violence that his brother threatened through means of force.  However, this was not an end to the issue, but rather, a redistribution of the problem. “My brother started to attack my sister and parents because he wanted someone else to feel smaller than him,” Angad’s statement highlights the most prominent issues of domestic abuse: Power and Control. Domestic abusers use different types of abuse over their victims to take away the victim’s power and options of escape.

Coercion and threats

“I have distinct memories of him stomping, or cocking back his arms, or flaring his eyes, just to try to have the other members of my family flinch and acquiesce to his demands.”

Intimidation

“When I wasn’t there, he took every opportunity to instill fear in my parents, citing reasons like the TV volume was too loud when he struck my father, or that they were being “rude” whenever they didn’t give him what he wanted at the exact moment he wanted when he was terrorizing my mother”

Emotional abuse

“He frequently looked for opportunities to victimise himself, and would often try to get me to throw the first hit so he could say that he didn’t start the fight.”

Isolation

“However, when I moved on campus when I started college, my brother grew more violent against my family.”

Minimizing/ Denying/blaming

“He would gaslight and demean my parents when hitting them, blaming them for his own behavior.”

Male privilege

“I was pissed at my father, because he was berating my sister in Punjabi when she was talking to the officer.  He also attempted to conceal it later when my brother continued to assault him, even throwing tea on him as well, when I was out of the house, just because he wanted to shield my brother from consequences. I think he was more worried about his pride, and having to explain to his older siblings how bad he let the problem get.”

The tea kettle assault led to 3 hours of excessive bleeding from head trauma, 9 head staples, CT scans, and their father persisting in not pressing charges and enabling his oldest son once again. However, another incident weeks later where he struck his mother in the face and crushed her phone led to charges being pressed, him being kicked out of the house for months and, currently, a year of probation.

Sources

“Domestic Violence.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/domestic%20violence.

 “NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.” The Nation’s Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence, ncadv.org.

“Domestic Violence Statistics.” About Domestic Violence RSS, 1 Oct., www.portlandoregon.gov/gatewaycenter/article/460893.

Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. “Power and Control Wheel .” NCDSV, National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence , www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf.