You Have No Right

*Warning: This post contains vulgar language which may be profane, vulgar, or offensive to some readers *

Abuse is not always loud. It doesn’t always come in strong punches and black eyes. Often, abuse is weaved into words, everyday texts and gestures. Sometimes, even the victim may think he or she is deserving of the pain.

‘Disgusting dog‘

‘Shameless whore‘

She was two months away from her major Advanced-Level Streaming Exams. A straight-A student and a talented contemporary dancer, her life was in balance and she had it all together.

Then, she made the mistake of cheating on her then-boyfriend Josiah.

“I was furious at myself. I was just young, and stupid. I knew it was wrong and I stopped it immediately,” Mirabelle says.

She recalls this incident as what resulted in her ‘darkest days’. Josiah did not call their relationship off, but he was furious. In a text message, he wrote, ‘Before I forgive you, I want to see you humiliated’.

Mirabelle recounts, “I was having lunch in the canteen and he came up to me and told me to ‘get up’. He demanded I tell everyone what I did, in explicit detail, when I cheated.” Josiah coerced her into recording herself tell her parents of her cheating and sending it to him for ‘verification’. He forbid her from talking to friends and thoroughly vetted and scrutinized every conversation she had. On top of that, he referred to her as a ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and his ‘dog’ daily.

Emotional abuse is not just a ‘negative emotional encounter’, but an attempt to control. The perpetrator often uses language as a weapon, or defence mechanism – Using shaming and belittling language, name-calling, manipulation, and even threats of punishment. Josiah exploited Mirabelle’s cheating and used it against her, to do things against her will far beyond what she deserved. He manipulated her into doing things she was not comfortable doing and things that humiliated her, leaving her under emotional torment.

Josiah’s disparaging requests were not met with any resistance but instead backed up by most of his peers, as he was a renowned figure in school. For 3 months, she suffered public mortification for her cheating both on-campus and online, that Josiah instigated.

When asked how she dealt with it, she simply said, “I didn’t”.

Emotional abuse can happen to anyone. Statistics show that 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced one or more psychologically aggressive behaviour by a significant other, and that victims often experience high rates of anxiety and depression. During that period, Mirabelle avoided any form of social interaction, skipping lessons and cancelling external classes. She barely had the appetite to eat. “I lost 6 kilograms and I was stick thin,” she says. She also underwent counselling to help herself cope with her depression.

“I thought I deserved it. I didn’t think about anything except of what I did and the consequences I had to face. It was only months after that I realized that this was too much even for what I did.” Mirabelle explains, “It is hard to know how to fight for yourself when everyone is fighting against you, but that’s wrong to believe.”

Post-graduation, she started a blog that documents her daily life and past experiences to help other victims cope with emotional abuse and cyber-bulling.

“Ultimately, abuse is inexcusable, and should never be tolerated or endured,” Mirabelle says, “If I could tell potential bullying victims what to do, I would tell them to stand up for themselves no matter what. Tell your parents, tell your teacher, tell anyone – you might have done something wrong but no one has the right to put you in your place or denounce your worth, and that’s final.”